My Heart
by Cobert Fan
Summary: After a conversation with Shrimpy Robert re-evaluates his and Cora's relationship prompting him to follow her to London.


When Shrimpy had told Robert of his divorce from Susan, Robert was shocked. Robert knew that they had not been happy when he visited them in Scotland, but they were planning to "soldier on". Could they really just forget all those years of marriage, Robert wondered. When Robert asked why, he had been even more shocked to learn that Susan had left Shrimpy. She had been swept away by another British aristocrat serving in India. The two had met at a dinner and she has been impressed with his knowledge of the Indian culture. When Susan began visiting sites with a culture group at the man's request, Shrimpy had felt relieved that she had something to focus on for a change. It wasn't until she announced that she had fallen in love with this other man that Shrimpy realized how blind he had been.

Robert shook his head as he stared at Cora's empty spot on their bed. The scenario sounded remarkably like the one unfolding before him daily, involving one Simon Bricker. But Cora knew, didn't she…knew that Robert loved her and wanted her, that he needed her? Robert thought back to the last time he had told her how much he loved her. It hit Robert instantly that he couldn't remember. He complimented her, sure, he told her…what…Robert couldn't even remember complimenting her. What had he told her lately? Their conversations seemed superficial and polite, a lot like when they were first married. He remembered back to those strained first months of their marriage when he was getting his footing in the whole thing and Cora was…miserable. Is that how she felt? Looking back he couldn't think of a time when she had said she was unhappy. Of course, Cora would never tell him if she was.

Robert tried to remember the last time he had seen her smile…really smile. He remembered _that_ instantly. It was the night that Simon Bricker had first dined with them. He noticed at dinner that she seemed to light up when he spoke to her. He had brushed it off, being preoccupied with his discussion regarding the Russian immigrants. Then he saw it again when he walked in on Bricker and Cora admiring the art work. It wasn't lost on Robert that Cora was admiring the art work and Bricker was admiring Cora. She noticed, though, and she gleamed at Bricker. Cora smiled in a way that he had not seen her smile in so long. His chest had tightened at the sight, and it made him angry.

But, hadn't he told her that Bricker's flirting bothered him and wouldn't she know that his admission meant that it was because he loved her? No…he hadn't told her. He had accused Bricker of flirting with the dog…the dog for goodness sake. Surly Cora didn't _really_ think he meant the dog. I mean she would know he meant her. Dear lord….in his haze of anger and jealousy he had compared Cora to the dog. What must she have felt? He had been too wrapped up in himself to even notice her response. His Cora - his beautiful, kind, charming Cora - being compared to a dog. Had anyone else done it and he would have given him a severe tongue lashing, telling him that Cora was an exquisite creature and should be treated as such. However, it had been him to make that comparison. The man who promised all those years ago to love and cherish Cora. The man who vowed to protect her and treasure her.

Robert felt sick to his stomach. Oh what a daft idiot he was. No wonder two days later she had escaped to Rosamond's.

It had been under the pretense that they were going to do some shopping and attend a gallery opening. A gallery opening. The realization hit him square in the gut. Bricker would no doubt be there. Robert knew that Bricker had his eyes on Cora and he could only imagine how he would treat her, entice her, and try to seduce her, while she was away from her family and home. The bile rose in Robert's throat as he imagined Cora's smile. He knew Cora and knew she would never allow it to go further, not as long as she was married. But knowing that Bricker could make Cora glow like that and that the last real conversation he had with her was comparing her to a dog, made Robert doubt everything he knew to be true.

Robert reached over to touch her pillow. He gently laid his head on it and inhaled her scent. How had he forgotten how good she smells or how beautifully alluring his Cora was? He had the world and he had all but thrown it away - her away - with both hands.

Robert began to weep as the reality of how much like Shrimpy's marriage his had become, and he hadn't even noticed. He had vowed not three years ago to appreciate Cora and to never take her for granted. He had promised himself that he and Cora would never have to endure the kind of marriage that Shrimpy and Susan had endured. But now weren't they doing all the things that Shrimpy and Susan had done: the biting comments, the distance, the silence?

A knock on the door drew him from his agony. "Yes," he called through sobs.

"Robert, it is Tom are you alright?" Tom asked, the concern evident in his voice.

"Come in, Tom," Robert replied as he wiped his eyes sitting up. Robert hadn't even thought about telling him he was fine. He wasn't fine; he was heartbroken.

"Robert…it's only that I heard you crying from the door and I couldn't help but wonder if it had anything to do with Cora leaving yesterday?" Tom spoke tentatively.

"How did you know?" Robert replied softly, looking at anything but Tom, embarrassment seeping into Robert's mindset.

"Because I know that cry, the cry of heartache. I have cried it a thousand times since the moment Sybil died," Tom admitted timidly.

It was then that Robert looked up at his radical son in law, who, at the moment, seemed very much like Robert himself.

Tom answered Robert's gaze with a reply. "Death isn't the only way to lose the love of your life, you know." The room was eerily silent. Tom continued, "Only, you have a chance to make it right, Robert. You have a chance to get your heart back. Speaking from someone who will never have that chance, not to get back my whole heart, don't waste it." Tom brushed a lone tear from his own cheek and left the room.

The ticking of the clock sounded as loud as thunder to Robert. Every second that passed was one he could never get back. The embarrassment and regret Robert felt earlier turned into something else: fear.

He immediately stood from the bed and grabbed the case stored in his dressing room closet. He began to throw clothes into the small case quickly. When he heard the clock strike 10 pm he stopped, realizing he would be going nowhere tonight. There were no trains to London left and the ticket office wouldn't open until 8.

Robert slowly walked back into the bedroom that he and Cora shared, and he sank in the bed, defeated. What was she doing tonight? Was she curled into bed with a book as was her practice, or was she being charmed by someone other than himself? The thought ate away at him. He knew he wouldn't sleep, couldn't sleep and the seconds away from Cora, his world, his heart, ticked on.

Robert made it to the depot just before the ticket office had opened and was now seated on the 8:15 train to London. What would he say, what would he do? The thought had echoed through his mind the entire night before. Should he start with "Cora…I am a daft idiot?" or would sobbing at her feet begging her not to leave him be more appropriate? In his state of exhaustion, fear, and anxiety he felt the second scenario was far more likely to happen whether he wanted it to or not. He couldn't think straight.

Visions of Cora walking away from him and into Bricker's embrace had plagued his thoughts in the early morning hours as he revisited the interaction from the past week in his head over and over again. It was during those contemplations he remembered, or maybe saw for the first time, Cora's sad eyes and looks of defeat every time she tried to talk to him, really talk to him. How had he missed that, Robert asked himself yet again. He was so pathetic. He was old, unwanted, and pathetic, Robert thought to himself. It was that thought that almost made him step off the train and head back to Downton. But then he heard a laugh, it wasn't Cora's laugh but in many ways it was. He looked over and saw couple from the village. They had married the year before he and Cora did. They were laughing and she cupped his cheek lovingly as Cora did his so many times.

Was he unwanted? Cora's words from weeks earlier, after he found out that he was not asked by the memorial committee to be in charge, came back to him. "I know how you feel when you think you are unwanted, but you're not." She had spoken those soft words in an effort to comfort him. He had rebuffed her effort as not to seem weak and laughed her off. He could see her sad eyes again. So he really wasn't unwanted, not by the person who mattered most.

He had made her feel unwanted, though. He was sure of it. "Old, unwanted, and pathetic," Robert thought to himself. Had Cora felt those things as he had? She certainly didn't when Bricker was around, Bricker had made sure of that. Robert had lost count of how many times Bricker had used the words_ beautiful_ and _charming_ all the while staring into Cora's brilliant blue eyes. She had been radiant that night, Robert had seen it at dinner and afterwards, until he had entered their room grumbling and then it faded. He hadn't seen that glow, that radiance, since that night.

Robert remembered a time when his words and looks could make her light up in such a way. He remembered when a brush of his knuckles on her cheek could make her blush. He had been angry that night, when he realized that she no longer responded to him in such a way. Now he was painfully aware that it was because he no longer showed her the attention that Bricker had or the attention that Robert had always shown her in the past. How could she sigh, radiate glowingly, and blush when he no longer did those things to elicit such a response? Every second that passed he realized just how much he had missed over the weeks and months. They were still close, physically. She still responded to him in that way, he was sure of it. They had made love the morning of Bricker's arrival. But now he wondered if his advances were met with acceptance; not out of love, but out of a need to feel loved. He remembered the way she had clung to him as if afraid to let him go. He didn't notice it at the time but she had looked different afterwards, almost lonely.

Robert was again reminded of their first few months of marriage. It was a look he saw quite often then, but didn't understand what it was or what it meant. In those days it had been easy, he had his new wife, his exceptionally beautiful new wife, and his estate was safe. He had been cheery and jovial, without a care in the world, until he had read one of Cora's letters to her friend back home. The letter told, not of the joys of marriage, as Robert had felt, but of pain and heartache. It told of her love for him and the heartbreak of not receiving love. It told of feelings of being used and cast aside, of being invisible and worthless. That day, when he had read the letter, he realized that he didn't really see Cora, but saw only what he wanted to see. He looked at her differently after that, he watched her. The sadness in her eyes, especially after intimacy had made him ache. He realized in retrospect that he had such deep affection for her all along, that it had been imminent that he would fall in love with her. But the day he read the letter had changed him somehow, and almost in an instant he realized he did love her and hated the thought of her feeling any of those things. That was the day he vowed to protect her and treasure her. He vowed she would never, not even for a second, question her worth or his love again. Robert felt as if he had broken that vow: miserable. He realized that now, but he didn't know how to repair things. Had Robert and Cora's marriage been so damaged, had his neglect damaged her view of him so much, that it could not be repaired? Had she found what she had so desperately been searching for in someone else?

The whistle of the train signaling the arrival at the London station pulled Robert from his musings. He grabbed his case and exited the train with no more of a plan for repairing his marriage than he had when he left the station at Downton. He caught a car to Rosamond's and his heart sunk when Rosamond said that Cora had left early that morning.

He unpacked his things and had luncheon, and Cora had still not returned. It was afternoon tea time when he heard the front door open and Cora's voice announce her return to Rosamond. Robert sat in the drawing room unsure of what to say or do. His heart was beating out of his chest and Cora's normally calming voice did little to sooth him. He heard her breath hitch as she saw him

"Robert? What are you doing here?" He looked up at her, standing there in her coat and hat. Her cheeks had a pink tinge to them from the crisp coldness in the air. Robert stood nervously wiping the moistness from his palms on his pants.

"I..um…that is..I," Robert swallowed the lump in his throat trying to gain the courage to say the words, "I missed you. I missed you, terribly, and wanted to see you. I just hope it isn't too late," Robert exclaimed nervously.

Cora looked down. It almost looked as if she blushed and it gave him courage to continue.

"I know you probably have plans, but I would very much like to stay, if that is alright."

Cora looked up at him and he saw them again: sad eyes. She was silent and it scared him. Was it too late? Had she given her heart and maybe more to Simon Bricker? Then he saw a tear, a single tear, make its way down her porcelain cheek.

"Well, um, I can see that I probably should have called before coming," Robert said quickly and made a step towards the door.

"No, wait," Cora said. "I just…I missed you too, terribly, and I…" she stopped speaking as more tears began to flow. Cora stopped speaking and braced herself. "Why did you miss me?" Cora asked as she wiped the tears from her face. Robert wasn't sure what he expected, but that question at this moment was not it. Every thought that he had over the past few weeks and memories from their first year together flashed through his head in an instant.

"Because I love you" he stated plainly and without question. "I love you and I realized that perhaps you didn't know that. I realized that you might not know that because I haven't made you feel truly loved lately," Robert admitted sheepishly. He looked at Cora, really looked at Cora. The tears were coming down her face freely.

In silence, Cora removed her hat and coat. The silence continued as Cora walked over to him and grasped one of his hands in hers. "You don't know how many times I have imagined this scene," Cora said smiling, repeating the words that Robert had once said to her.

"You have?" Robert questioned, his voice heavy with hope.

"Yes," Cora breathed, "So many times. I was so afraid that I had lost you." Cora's hand cupped Robert's face as her soft thumb made gentle passes over his cheek wiping away the tears that he hadn't even realized were there.

"You could never lose me," Robert said as he brought both hands to Cora's face. "I may get caught up in myself and forget for a moment, but you could never lose me. You are a part of me. I don't exist without you. _You_, my precious Cora, are my heart."

Robert rested his forehead on Cora's, relishing in the closeness of the moment. "I was so afraid that_ I _had lost _you_. I have been so caught up in everything happening around me that I failed to see you, to really see you. When I realized….Oh Cora, I was so afraid that you wouldn't want me anymore," Robert confessed, more tears escaping from his eyes.

"Silly man," Cora said with brief laugh. "_You_ are all I have ever wanted. From the moment I saw you I have wanted _you_ and nothing else. I may get caught up in myself and not always show you, but I still want you and only you by my side. I love you so much, Robert. My heart aches for you."

As the words left Cora's mouth, a sense of relief began to flood Robert's soul and he understood. He understood all the emotions that he couldn't explain or put words too. Feelings of being unsettled and empty that had followed him the past few weeks that he didn't understand. Those feelings were an ache, an ache for his center point and for his anchor. An ache for Cora, for the unity and oneness that was slipping away from him. But standing there with her so very close, Robert felt at peace and as if everything in the world was as it should be.

Robert captured Cora's perfect lips with his own, to make sure she was really there. Robert heard Cora sigh as she slipped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. He relished in the feel of Cora's lips. Her lips were warm and wet and….oh how he had missed the feel of her lips. Robert wrapped his arms around her waist, drawing her closer until their bodies were flush against one another. His hands being to roam Cora's back and sides. It was if they hadn't made love in forever and both were starving.

His body had already begun to respond to Cora's closeness and her kisses. As he pulled her even closer he heard her moan as she felt his arousal. "Robert," Cora breathed in between gasps "show me…she me how much you miss me, love me, _want_ me".

Cora's hands began to roam under Robert's jacket. "We have to….I can't …." Robert tried to speak but his lips just kept returning to hers and his hands more desperate to feel her. Robert pulled away slightly and groaned, "Cora it is taking all of my restraint not to take you right here and right now." Robert growled, his voice full of longing and desire. "You have no idea how _much_ I want you," Robert said, his eyes finding hers.

"Then show me," Cora replied, overcome with the emotion of just how much she loved his man.

With that, Robert lifted Cora in his arms and began the short journey upstairs. Cora gasped in surprise as Robert swept her up in his arms. "I intend to spend a very long time showing you how much I miss, love, and want you and I do not intend to be interrupted," Robert said with mischievous grin.

The floor became lost in a sea of clothes as hands and mouths roamed over sensuous skin. "You smell so good…" Robert moaned into Cora's ear as his tongue and lips made passes over her neck and jaw. "…you taste incredible…" Robert sighed as his lips enveloped Cora's and their tongues went about tasting one another, hands roaming everywhere. "…and you feel sensational," Robert grinned as his hands cupped Cora's breast and glided over her abdomen.

"You are so beautiful, Cora, so exquisite." Robert said as he stared intently into Cora's eyes. Then, Robert saw it. He saw the brilliant glow that had been missing from his lovely wife for so long. With renewed passion Robert showed Cora just how much he had missed her, how much he adored her, and desired her. Cora went about showing Robert just how much she wanted and needed him. Her caresses and words of adoration left no doubt in Robert's mind that he _was _the only man she wanted.

Afterwards, as they lay wrapped in each other's arms, content for the first time in a long time, they began to talk. "I owe you an apology, Robert." Cora spoke first.

"What do you have to apologize for?" Robert asked as he made lazy passes over Cora's black locks.

"I flirted openly with Mr. Bricker and when it continued I encouraged it. I shouldn't have done that and I did it in front of you because I wanted it to bother you." Cora said softly, embarrassed by her admission. "I felt so invisible that when he took an interest, it made me feel…important."

Robert lifted Cora's chin to look into her eyes. "I am sorry that you felt that way, that I made you feel that way. It did bother me, it bothered me a great deal. It bothered me because I saw how you responded to him. How someone who you had just met could make you blush and illuminate. It bothered me because I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I had made you respond as such," Robert confessed. Cora reached up to caress Robert's face and then pressed her lips softly against his. "I apologize for comparing you to Isis. That was low and uncalled for and I deeply regret it."

Cora chuckled lightly. "I knew what you meant," she said, laying her head back on Robert's firm chest.

"It didn't make it hurt any less though, did it?" Robert stated, more than asked, the question.

"No, it didn't." Cora confessed softly.

"Come here," Robert said has he began to lift Cora on top of him, encasing her with his arms fully. She snuggled her face into the crook of his neck as his hands made gentle passes over her back. "I love you, my darling. I love you with everything that is within me. I promised you and myself 34 years ago that you would never have to feel a life without love again and I have miserably failed you as of late. For that I am most sorry." Robert's emotions overcame him as the reality of just what he and Cora almost lost hit him.

"Robert, we both lost sight of each other and I allowed myself to slip into the background. I didn't want to fight because I was afraid it would push you away. I realize now I should have fought to keep you close." Cora too was overcome by the reality of just how close they had come to letting each other slip away. She thought back to the previous night and to Simon Bricker's constant advances. They had made her feel uncomfortable at the time because, while she enjoyed the attention, her heart and thoughts were always with Robert. Now the thought of his advances made her shutter. Robert tightened his hold on Cora as if she were going to vanish and she snuggled further into his embrace, the warmth of his skin against her skin calming her thoughts. "I love you, Robert. I fell in love with you all those years ago and I have never stopped. Please don't ever doubt that." Cora whispered against his skin, as her lips began to trace the lines of his jaw and neck.

Within seconds, Robert was kissing Cora breathless and had her pressed into the bed, his body covering hers. Robert's hands went to Cora's hair, his fingers mingling with the long black locks as he gave one last kiss to her pink lips. "And I love you, so very much. Please remember that during those times that I become lost in myself." Robert's lips once again found Cora's as his hands roamed all the places they have traveled not quite an hour before. It would have been easy to lose himself in the haze of passion that was encompassing the room. However, Robert didn't lose himself in the feelings, the pleasure that Cora, and only Cora, brought him. He memorized every each touch, every sigh, and every moan. He thought of how empty and hollow he would be, should Cora ever vanish from his life. Cora was exquisite and kind. She was funny and charming. Cora was his wife and his heart. More than all of those things, Cora was his touch stone. She was his anchor. She was his home and Robert was Cora's home. 34 years ago, by society and necessity, they became husband and wife. Then fate stepped in and united their souls in such a way that it was impossible to separate them. One could not exist without the other. They were tied together by something much bigger than themselves, larger than they could even understand. But both Robert and Cora knew that they would never be happy or content anywhere other than with each other.


End file.
